I can’t handle the way I feel anymore. I’m so fucking depressed all the time. It’s really draining the life out of me. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My life really needs to turn around soon. Something’s need to start looking up. My thoughts are getting worse and worse. I don’t want to end up doing something stupid. I need some serious help.

Starting tomorrow I’ll be stepping my game up. I’m growing a pair of balls and doing a 5k filthy obstacle course. My coworker convinced me to do it with her, and I think it’s a great idea. I will be on a strict diet and hitting the gym a lot harder. I need to train and prepare for this course. It’s at the end of June and I’m making sure I’m ready for it. It gives me a lot of motivation to get fit. This is a good thing.

I am stressed out of my mind lately, and I’ve been trying my hardest to hide it. I’m extremely low on money. I can’t keep up with any payments. I keep trying to quit smoking, but something always has to go wrong and I need a cigarette to calm me down. I miss two guys at the same time for the oddest reason. I work majority of the time, but it’s like I get shit for cash. I’m working my ass off and now I’m searching for a second job for the summer to work my life away even more. The pills I’ve been taking to stop smoking having been fucking up my stomach really bad. I’m having a lot of health issues with these pills and they make me so goddamn depressed. It could be the fact that I’ve been forgetting to take my doses and I don’t make it a constant thing. Doesn’t help that when something bad happens I freak out and beg for a smoke from someone. Now as for the boys…there is one I only want, but he’s never always there and so it makes me miss the boy that always was. Though he got on my nerves by being there all the time, he still showed he cared. Sometimes I wish my main boy would show some initiative. I mean he’s everything I want and more, but somethings he does just get me down in the dumps. It’s kind of a constant thing too. I don’t know, shit, I think he feels the same way about me as I do him, it’s just he doesn’t like to show it for the fact that we can’t be together (at least that’s what I like to tell myself). I’m willing to give up everything and take a chance with that boy, but he needs to give me some reason to.

I don’t know what my fucking issue has been these past few days but all I’ve been feeling is crazy mood swings. The past two nights I’ve been so depressed. It could be because of my pills. Or it could be because I haven’t talked to him. I feel this way every time I don’t talk to him for a while. Every time I get terrified he’s disappearing again. I don’t want that to ever happen again. Please don’t be disappearing again.

I’m curious to see how people would feel if I just left Michigan. All my life I’ve lived with the thought of “what if”. What if I did this, what if I did that, would things be different than they are now? For once in my life I want to just take a chance and try something completely new, I’ve changed my appearance but it isn’t enough. I hate the town I live in, but I love the people that are close to me. I’m so clueless to what I should think or do. Either way I feel like I’d only have a couple people to support my choice. What if I just ran away?

I am absolutely head over heels for this boy all over again. As much as I tried to push him away he pushes closer. And he definitely has me in the palm of his hand once again. The weird thing is that he’s been acting a lot different lately. He’s been kind of lovey dovey which isn’t his style, it used to be, but that was when we first met over four years ago. He doesn’t go weeks without talking to me. He’s been calling me “babe”, which in all my years of knowing him he’s never used a nickname like that. I’m not used to this from him and frankly it terrifies me. He claims he’s going to visit me soon, which he’s said that plenty of times and let me down very badly. This time I actually have the feeling that he’s being serious, but I can’t help but doubt him. I don’t want to be let down. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to always have my guard up. I just want him. I’ll keep hoping and wishing, but I highly doubt things will ever work in my favor.

Even though my life can be so stressful and shitty, I’ve come to realize that I’m doing pretty well on my own. I don’t have money, and my so called life is just a routine. But I’ve made changes and I’m feeling a lot better about things.

I want him. I always will. No matter what happens between us, I’ll never lose those feelings for him. It sucks. And no matter how hard I try to convince him that I can’t stand him, he still tries. I don’t know if it’s because he actually wants me or if it’s a game. But why would someone play this many games with someone who lives so many miles away, and ignores him 95 percent of the time. As much as I want to just tell him how I really feel, I can’t. I can’t seem vulnerable. Though he has me in the palm of his hand, he will never know. And it seems that only one person close to me knows how I feel and understands it. Everyone else just gives me shit about it, and tries to make me feel horrible. Try being in my position and see how it feels. No matter how many miles away he is, he means everything to me. He’s the guy that I’ve always wanted. He’s my vision of perfect. No other guy compares. I don’t let him affect my potential relationships, the other guys just can’t keep up with me. He can. As much as he sucks, he understands me, and knows me more than other guys. It could be because he caught me in his grasp when I was young and it just stuck, but I’ve known him for a little more than fours years, and we’re still trucking along and I don’t know what to fucking do!

Since my life is the same routine everyday, I’ve decided I’m going to change my appearance. Just hopefully it works for me.

I’m not living the life that I’m suppose to be. I’m not suppose to be stressing out about work, school, money, and people. I’m suppose to appreciate having a job and working everyday. I’m not suppose to be falling behind in my classes and struggling. Money shouldn’t be hard to save when I don’t have any free time to spend any of it. There shouldn’t be so much hostility between the people I know, or I shouldn’t have to hold back my thoughts on them.

I should be happy.

I should be excited about being on my last step to start my major and forcing myself to not fail. I should be working everyday well rested and with a constant smile on my face. Especially when majority of my coworkers are so helpful towards me. I should be saving my money towards a vacation or anything else I’d like to have. I should be happy that I’m always around the people I care about the most and not let their flaws get to me, but try my best to help them. And I shouldn’t have to worry about the boys that come and go, but the boys that stay around, whether or not I can I actually be with them.

It’s becoming a drag to be the positive strong girl I used to be. Life is getting tougher. It’s probably because I’m older and now living on my own, but I still should be how I used to be. I’m suppose to be everyone’s rock, though sometimes I hate it, I want to be stable enough to help people again. It’s becoming hard to push my problems out of the way to help the people that are close, far, or even strangers out. I used to do everything in my power to help, but now I have nothing for them. I wish I did. I wish I had all the answers again.

I’m trying to make goals for myself. To focus harder on school work. To push myself harder to become healthy and fit again. To start saving as little money as I can to get out of Michigan in the summer. To calmly handle my situation rather than blow up. To handle stress. To push myself to start my graphic designing major so I can start my career. To keep hoping there’s someone out there that wants me in every way, it could be him, but I need to let time help with that. I just need some change in my life. And less stress with more focus.